alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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