The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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