I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
