Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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