saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
