I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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