my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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