come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
