I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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