If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
