I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
