youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wanna go halves on a baby?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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