I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
