life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
