you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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