so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
