dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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