...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
