4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My hand turned me down
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My balls are so social today.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
