a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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