Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
