I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
