turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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