i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
