i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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