just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
