the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
