So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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