You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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