its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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