So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
