Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
