My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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