im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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