How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
