it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
