I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
