he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
