I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
