if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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