Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
