yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
