1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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