I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
