i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
