all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
