just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
