I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
