tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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