I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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