I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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