Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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