The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
