Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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