everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
