i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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