I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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